I feel like I’ve been through things that no one else has, but everyone feels that way right? Being able to see a different side of life changes everything in every way possible. You have your ups and you have your downs. To be completely honest, I feel as if I only had DOWNS through out my whole life. It’s sad to say but it’s true. Nothing but stress and worries and fear, fighting to fit at least a little bit of happiness into that group of emotions. It’s a struggle to define myself as happy. I can be the most outgoing, exciting, fun, cheerful person in the whole world, but behind all that is a young women who fights her way through nothing but bad to get to the other side, to get to nothing but happiness and freedom. I wish to be free from this darkness that I am in, but every corner I turn I get stopped and pulled back into this dark place. I’ve always been the type of person who is always self-connected. I would always know what’s wrong with me, how I’m feeling exactly, question myself to come to a complete understanding without any help, but lately I have no self-connection at all. It makes me sad and it brings me down, because I always felt as if that was a strength of mines and now I’m loosing that strength slowly becoming weaker and weaker. There has always been a stage in life that everyone goes through, where they feel hopeless and lost, maybe sometimes confused, some show it and some do a pretty good job in hiding it. Those are just phases, and it is completely normal. But is it normal as to not being able to disconnect yourself from that phase? Is it normal to feel like your okay but know that it’s difficult for you be self-connected? But then again what is normal? These things I wonder, I do nothing but try to analyze what’s going on with me and how it affects those who are in my life. It is a bother to feel stuck, questioning myself, becoming angry with myself, not being able to KNOW, thinking about how I was once self-connected and now I’m disconnected from me.

I try to settle peace and make space to get my strength back, but it only stays for a few and leaves me helpless, going crazy trying to make it stay with me, because I know without my strength I am WEAK! Everything I do is a cover up, I’ve done a great job hiding it but there isn’t any hiding anymore. The negativity overcame me, took over me, forces me not to question anything and let everything flow. Being disconnected from myself has it’s freedom because there isn’t any stress, or worries, or fear. There isn’t any thinking what so ever. So I’ve been living that life for two weeks now and it kind of became my paradise. I have started to think, wow this is what I always wanted, to live stress-free and worry-free, to be FREE! Now I have it, but is it worth giving up my self-connection, loosing everything, loosing all my values? Is it worth becoming a stranger to myself?!

I still have my memories of being happy, of being in a joyful place, but this darkness that has overcome me makes me see nothing but pain. It drives me away from seeing joy, from feeling those happy feelings I felt, because now when I remember those memories it breaks me down. It makes me want to cry, because I lost sight of it. Now there isn’t anyway out of this, as it feels. But I am not going to give up, I’m going to continue to get in touch with myself, I’m going to continue to try and balance that feeling I have when I’m disconnected from myself and that self-connection I use to have. Once I have those balanced I feel I will be at peace.

no-takebacks:

Or you can do this, and be honest ;)

Ayeeeeee !!